The world revolves around you.
Every storm cloud seeks you out
And to every raindrop,
You’re just a walking, talking Target advertisement.
You got X’s where your eyes should be
And a “kick me” sign taped to your back.
There are no parking spots
Because God hates you
And when you’re waiting at one of the many crosswalks
As you venture home from your shitty new parking spot,
The cars never stop
Because the Devil hates you, too.
Every person at every bar
Is drinking because you wronged them in some way,
And everyone at the gym is working off the stress
That you caused.
There’s a power outage because you turned on your hairdryer
And you failed that test because your teacher hates you.
Your phone broke because you enjoy it too much
And the mailman lost your letter on purpose
Because you didn’t put the flag up at the right angle.
The weather is cold because you love it hot.
The car in front of you is driving slow
Because you looked at them wrong,
Not because it’s a kid who just got her license.
Your friend didn’t respond to your email
Because she hates you,
Not because her emails weren’t getting through.
That asshole outside singing right now
Is only there to piss you off.
He knows you’re inside.
He knows you like it quiet.
He knows what makes you tick.
The clock is off to make you late.
The line is long to make you wait.
Your parking expired before eight
And of course you got ticketed a really high rate.
The parking cop waits for you every day.
Don’t you see…?
No matter what you do,
You’ll always lose
Because the world has it out for you.
You were born with a target on your back,
A raincloud overhead,
And one muscle shy of the number needed to make you smile.
It’s not your fault.
It’s everyone else’s.
Make sure you tell yourself that every day.
Almost as important as this Kleenex.
Here, take it.
Keep it in your pocket
Your shirt pocket.
Next to your heart.
And when you’re ready,
I want you to take it out.
I want you to hold it up to your nose.
And I want you to blow all that shit out of your head.
But not until you’re ready.